NSA Survival Guide: 10 Signs You’re Being Spied On in World of Warcraft

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The games industry is buzzing this morning over new NSA spying allegations that may include government meddling in games like World of Warcraft and Second Life. The story, first reported by The New York Times, claims that NSA agents may log on to virtual worlds in an attempt to monitor terrorists who use the game for communication. The story also states these games have been used to try and get foreign operatives to become informants for the U.S. government.

For its part, Activision Blizzard went on record stating it was not aware of any spying going on in Azeroth. But we here at Elite Monster feel you can never be too careful. That’s why we’ve put together this handy guide to help you spot a potential NSA spy in World of Warcraft.

Here are the top 10 signs the NSA is spying on you in WoW. Be careful out there, folks.

1. That guy pre-Cataclysm who ALWAYS knew where Mankrik’s wife was.

You know that one guy that always seemed to be in Barrens chat every time you went through on a new character? Always had the coordinates hot keyed and ready to go for you? Yeah, little did you know, Mankrik’s wife was a front for the trigger that turned on the webcam on your computer. A tradition carried on by her post-Cataclysm grave site today.

2. NSA spies never use their DKP.

Every guild has that one guy. The one guy who shows up for every raid, leads the guild in career DKP, is sitting on a massive stockpile of points and yet keeps passing on everything out of the goodness of his heart. He doesn’t need to use the DKP because he doesn’t need the gear. He just needs your real world location, which he now has, thanks to that add-on he told you to download last week.

3. Someone who logs into Ventrilo but NEVER talks.

You’ve raided with this guy for nine years. But you’ve never heard his voice. Ever wonder why?

4. Hogger.

Don’t you think it’s a little weird that when Blizzard redid the world for Cataclysm and downsized many of the elite mobs roaming around Azeroth that they let this guy keep his elite tag? Not only that, they even designed a new story around him, whisking him off to the Stockades for a future dungeon run. Sure, you could believe they did it for nostalgia’s sake. Or you could believe HOGGER IS AN NSA AGENT TASKED WITH PLANTING A BEACON DEVICE ON ALL NEW CHARACTERS UPON BEING TAGGED. You heard it here first.

5. AFK players in battlegrounds

No compassionate human being would ever queue up for a BG, and then immediately go AFK for no reason, immediately handing victory to the other side. No, what these AFK players are doing is monitoring the reaction of the rest of the group to this development. Will the rest of the team choose to vote kick? Will they just complain loudly and move on? Will they go AFK themselves? Your reaction to this sudden crisis in Warsong Gulch will provide our government with valuable data on how Americans respond to unexpected setbacks during war.

6. The guy who always wants to duel.

You know the type. The kind that stands outside Stormwind for 12 hours a day, spamming /duel at anyone who walks by. The guy who keeps spamming /duel even after you’ve declined five times. Please stop denying the NSA valuable data on your reaction time while under pressure.

7. LFR

Blizzard is a company known for its quality control. Do you really think they would let a broken raiding system where the entire objective is to see how many of your teammates you can kill on purpose onto the live servers? No, Blizzard’s hands were tied. The government needs to know who among us is a potential traitor. You just pulled Garrosh before the raid was ready? Why don’t you just swear allegiance to Al Qaeda while you’re at it?

8. Someone starts a political discussion in trade chat.

You know what, all jokes aside, this one probably really is a sign. I feel uncomfortable. Moving on…

9. They link a long stream of legendary weapons in trade chat.

They’re not just goofing off, it’s a secret code. Look at the pattern man, LOOK AT THE PATTERN.

10. The player is a gnome. 

No explanation is needed.

Jason Gallagher

About Jason Gallagher

Jason Gallagher has dabbled in just about every MMO released in the last decade. When he's not engaging in heroic deeds online, you'll find him enjoying a beer while screaming at the Steelers, Penguins and Pirates through his television. Follow him on Twitter @MuckrakerJG.